It seems as though my life is spiraling out of control, and it has been for a long time now. Its taken me 2 years to come to terms with it, as well as the fact that in reality I don't know if I have ever truly been happy. All through my early childhood I can remember being mostly happy, but my mom being as strict as she was (and still is) I was always limited to what I could do and I have always resented my mother for that. I always hear you cant pick your family and boy is that true. I feel like in some ways God is testing me to see how strong I really am. I have never had as much hatred for anyone as I do for my mother. I always dream of having the great mother-daughter relationships that you see on TV or read about, but my life was and is farthest from that. It is not just that Julie and I don't see eye-to-eye, we don't even live in the same world. She says that I am the selfish one when really everything has to run on "Julie Time" and no matter what you are doing before, you are to drop what you are doing to do what she wants. I don't know about anyone else, but that shit does not fly with me. I have a life that does not revolve around what Julie wants day and night. As I recall I am an 18 year woman working 5 days a week trying to make enough money to get the hell out of her house. I am not some baby who is going to get up and do what she wants at the drop of a dime. And not only the that she hates me because I am the only one who will challenge her and call her out on her bullshit. To her I am arguing and being disrespectful but I don't give a shit. I am not her maid, and just because you scream at me doesn't make me any more eager to do something for you. It actually makes me want to take the pan I am washing and smack you upside your dumb ass head with it. Do I? No. Not yet anyways. One of my biggest pet peeves ever is someone trying to yell as loud as they can as if it helps them get their point across. No you moron you are just being loud and getting on every one's nerves. Honestly Julie has to have anger issues along with bipolar disorder because that bitch is crazy. None the less I have concluded she is one of the reasons that I am mentally unhealthy. My only real goal in life is to be an amazing mother, and Julie has been a great role model of exactly what not to be. With all of the bullshit I am dealing with at home I am going crazy so the goal is to move out asap. What I need is to be healthy and happy, and living in such an atmosphere right now is really not working for me. Getting out of this house will be step one in getting my shit together. But then I have to get rid of the other thing that is holding me back from being a better me and that is Taco Bell, this place messes with me mentally and physically. But I will save that for another post.
--A.
